Innocence White Reminiscence Black

Long Gone Last Innocence ~ Fateful Haunting Reminiscence

I Love Them To Death, No Matter What ...

The month filled with all sorts of blessings and lights is going to leave all of us again soon for another year. As I'm counting down these last few days before welcoming the upcoming month of celebration, I can't help but thinking this particular fasting month may be the most peaceful that I have ever had in years. I don't know, but I'm having this unspoken tranquillity throughout this month. I haven't done anything productive and I have a lot of things coming. I don't know how I am supposed to get it all done and I'm at my usual lazy-poke point. But somehow, they don't affect me much. It's just one of those times when I think I'm having this much freedom to do anything I want and I'm savouring it all the way to its last drop. I don't really want it to end so fast and I just want to be in this moment for as long as I wish. But time passes, and life has to go on. I need to face reality soon and it scares me in a way. 

I don't know if I should talk about this one in here. But, here it goes ...

I am well aware that I don't really have the most perfect family in the world. I am 4 years younger than the third siblings and 10 years younger than my abang-long, the first offspring of the family. We haven't been talking to each other much all this time, and we don't talk as much now naturally. Abang-long is married already, my abang-ngah has his own life and career that he enjoys so much now that he doesn't really come home often. My sister is having a life of her own as well and we are not as close as we had always been in the past. Therefore, it is pretty much a pros-and-cons matter to me. I've got to spend as much time as I want on my own and I'm able to concentrate on doing things that I love and would love to try. At the same time, it saddens me a bit that it becomes such a turning point for me because my life at the moment doesn't revolve much around them anymore. 

Out of all 4 siblings, I dare to say that I'm the most rebellious one in the family. I would always fight with my abanglong because he didn't really do anything much at home and he would always be wasting all his money for something not worth spending his money on. I fought with my parents as much as well, especially my mom, who did not always come to agree with everything that I did. She still is and I've come to accept the fact that she's never going to agree with me all the way, though she let me do whatever I feel like doing most of the time. I love her anyway and it will never change. 

Regarding my parents, it's quite difficult to talk about the relationship between these two, even more difficult knowing how they have turned out to be and how it has affected the relationship that we all share around our family. It's quite confusing and emotionally draining. Perfection has never been a precise word to describe the relationship that my mother and father has. Truthfully speaking, they are not in very good terms at the moment and sadly, this has been going on for many years already. In the past, there were always fights and dissatisfactions. It was either verbal fights or cold wars. Emotions were always at all time high when they exchanged words. I dare to say that it affected my siblings in a way. That might explains why my two brothers don't always make an effort to stay put at home as much now and me and my sister will always be doing something just to take our minds off somewhere when tension arises. My brothers did not really spill anything out, but my sister once told me that they have been going at it since the days they were still unmarried. Whenever I could find time to pray, I would pray every single day that they would find a way to get through it. Whatever way they might come up with, I could only hope that they would stop doing what they have been doing and get it over with. 

At the moment throughout this fasting month, they haven't been talking much. They just don't talk. It's not what I have in mind when it comes to seeing them working their relationship out. However, it is so much better than going back to where they were before. My abanglong did come home with sister-in-law and their 2 young babies not long ago during one weekend. My abangngah did come to visit us as soon as he touched down after spending a month in India to work on his project. On the other hand, about my parents, right now, I can only pray that they would find a better way to work it all out properly and not resorting into something as heartbreaking as this soon. It just so sad to think that we might have a slight chance to end it all on a very ugly note. 

It's always an overwhelmingly emotional thing to me. I have talked about it to some of my friends, who happen to be in a similar position and situation as mine. It breaks me to tell and it's just as heartbreaking to listen to as well. I have been holding on to my fragile strength for as long as I can remember and that explains why I put on a different face and attitude around people sometimes while I'm fighting my emotions with every bit of my fleeing will. Even so, it doesn't really work out for me. A very good friend of mine came to me one day and she sensed something was not right about me and the vibe that I was projecting at that time was just bad and suffocating. I let my guard down and told her everything as the result. It proves to me that I cannot always hold on to making straight faces and holding back. 

These are all a small portion of what has actually been happening in my family throughout all these years we're living together under one roof. To dig deeper into it is something that I don't really want to do and I'm sure people who read this entry don't want to know either. Even so, after all that I have poured down on this entry, I still love each and everyone of my family members so dearly. They are not the most perfect persons in the world but because of what we all share with each other, I am able to live in something that people call a "family". They are a lot of people out there who don't even own a family, don't even know who their family members are, where they have been and what they are doing at the moment. They don't even have vague memories of it. Therefore, I consider myself a very lucky human being to have one even if it seems imperfect and is filled with cracks and patches. I cannot bring myself to bash my family the way some famous faces do.

I do hope that one day, things would turn out for the better not only for my parents, but also my relationship with my siblings and the relationship between my siblings and my parents as a whole. I also hope that my own family, if I'm ever going to have one, will be much happier than what I'm having now. I'll make sure of that. I don't know what future will hold for all of us. I don't think I want to know either. What matters is now and the efforts of bettering and making up for all those times we hurt each other deeply. I love them to death, no matter what happens. No matter what ... 


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