Innocence White Reminiscence Black

Long Gone Last Innocence ~ Fateful Haunting Reminiscence

I Love Them To Death, No Matter What ...

The month filled with all sorts of blessings and lights is going to leave all of us again soon for another year. As I'm counting down these last few days before welcoming the upcoming month of celebration, I can't help but thinking this particular fasting month may be the most peaceful that I have ever had in years. I don't know, but I'm having this unspoken tranquillity throughout this month. I haven't done anything productive and I have a lot of things coming. I don't know how I am supposed to get it all done and I'm at my usual lazy-poke point. But somehow, they don't affect me much. It's just one of those times when I think I'm having this much freedom to do anything I want and I'm savouring it all the way to its last drop. I don't really want it to end so fast and I just want to be in this moment for as long as I wish. But time passes, and life has to go on. I need to face reality soon and it scares me in a way. 

I don't know if I should talk about this one in here. But, here it goes ...

I am well aware that I don't really have the most perfect family in the world. I am 4 years younger than the third siblings and 10 years younger than my abang-long, the first offspring of the family. We haven't been talking to each other much all this time, and we don't talk as much now naturally. Abang-long is married already, my abang-ngah has his own life and career that he enjoys so much now that he doesn't really come home often. My sister is having a life of her own as well and we are not as close as we had always been in the past. Therefore, it is pretty much a pros-and-cons matter to me. I've got to spend as much time as I want on my own and I'm able to concentrate on doing things that I love and would love to try. At the same time, it saddens me a bit that it becomes such a turning point for me because my life at the moment doesn't revolve much around them anymore. 

Out of all 4 siblings, I dare to say that I'm the most rebellious one in the family. I would always fight with my abanglong because he didn't really do anything much at home and he would always be wasting all his money for something not worth spending his money on. I fought with my parents as much as well, especially my mom, who did not always come to agree with everything that I did. She still is and I've come to accept the fact that she's never going to agree with me all the way, though she let me do whatever I feel like doing most of the time. I love her anyway and it will never change. 

Regarding my parents, it's quite difficult to talk about the relationship between these two, even more difficult knowing how they have turned out to be and how it has affected the relationship that we all share around our family. It's quite confusing and emotionally draining. Perfection has never been a precise word to describe the relationship that my mother and father has. Truthfully speaking, they are not in very good terms at the moment and sadly, this has been going on for many years already. In the past, there were always fights and dissatisfactions. It was either verbal fights or cold wars. Emotions were always at all time high when they exchanged words. I dare to say that it affected my siblings in a way. That might explains why my two brothers don't always make an effort to stay put at home as much now and me and my sister will always be doing something just to take our minds off somewhere when tension arises. My brothers did not really spill anything out, but my sister once told me that they have been going at it since the days they were still unmarried. Whenever I could find time to pray, I would pray every single day that they would find a way to get through it. Whatever way they might come up with, I could only hope that they would stop doing what they have been doing and get it over with. 

At the moment throughout this fasting month, they haven't been talking much. They just don't talk. It's not what I have in mind when it comes to seeing them working their relationship out. However, it is so much better than going back to where they were before. My abanglong did come home with sister-in-law and their 2 young babies not long ago during one weekend. My abangngah did come to visit us as soon as he touched down after spending a month in India to work on his project. On the other hand, about my parents, right now, I can only pray that they would find a better way to work it all out properly and not resorting into something as heartbreaking as this soon. It just so sad to think that we might have a slight chance to end it all on a very ugly note. 

It's always an overwhelmingly emotional thing to me. I have talked about it to some of my friends, who happen to be in a similar position and situation as mine. It breaks me to tell and it's just as heartbreaking to listen to as well. I have been holding on to my fragile strength for as long as I can remember and that explains why I put on a different face and attitude around people sometimes while I'm fighting my emotions with every bit of my fleeing will. Even so, it doesn't really work out for me. A very good friend of mine came to me one day and she sensed something was not right about me and the vibe that I was projecting at that time was just bad and suffocating. I let my guard down and told her everything as the result. It proves to me that I cannot always hold on to making straight faces and holding back. 

These are all a small portion of what has actually been happening in my family throughout all these years we're living together under one roof. To dig deeper into it is something that I don't really want to do and I'm sure people who read this entry don't want to know either. Even so, after all that I have poured down on this entry, I still love each and everyone of my family members so dearly. They are not the most perfect persons in the world but because of what we all share with each other, I am able to live in something that people call a "family". They are a lot of people out there who don't even own a family, don't even know who their family members are, where they have been and what they are doing at the moment. They don't even have vague memories of it. Therefore, I consider myself a very lucky human being to have one even if it seems imperfect and is filled with cracks and patches. I cannot bring myself to bash my family the way some famous faces do.

I do hope that one day, things would turn out for the better not only for my parents, but also my relationship with my siblings and the relationship between my siblings and my parents as a whole. I also hope that my own family, if I'm ever going to have one, will be much happier than what I'm having now. I'll make sure of that. I don't know what future will hold for all of us. I don't think I want to know either. What matters is now and the efforts of bettering and making up for all those times we hurt each other deeply. I love them to death, no matter what happens. No matter what ... 

Some Things Are Bound To Change

I admit that I used to be a totally different person, sporting a totally different persona during those days in the past. I was so new to the world that I was seeing at that time and I tried hard to fit in as I was quite timid when growing up. Being timid made me a bit cautious towards my surroundings. But, it started to wear off gradually and I became quite open with what I was seeing, hearing and talking about. I got to know many different kinds of people and places that I had never been before. I started to learn new things, read different kinds of stuff, take on different kinds of challenges. These elements shaped me into who I was at certain point in my life. Then, came those changes, and I became another different person again. I started to figure out more about what I want and what I love. I started to think about what's best for me and what wasn't. I basically grew up into who I am today and I have never been much better, relaxed and liberated than I am now. 

A friend of mine came to me one day and the person said that he saw so many changes in me. Maybe because he was away from my sight for a long time and when the time came for us to meet up and have a talk, he sensed something a bit different about me. We're bound to meet up one of these days as well and he might say the same thing over again when we meet. I do believe that we cannot run away from changes. I now become a little bit simpler. I used to dress up till I overdressed myself sometimes. Now, I only look for things that are simpler to my eyes and less heavy-looking. I used to have less thoughts about what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Today, I am quite cautious about many things. I begin to think more about life and have much deeper thoughts about everything. These changes come naturally to my senses. Some of them love them and some of them think that it might be a little bit extreme for somebody as young as me. I had another friend who told me that I have matured more than I should and I am too old for my age to be thinking about or saying some things. I sense a small truth in what they said but I cannot go back to where I was and be at one place for the rest of my life.

All I know is that, some things are bound to change as you grow older and wiser. You will go through some changes even beyond what you can comprehend and realize. I've grown and for now, I like how I have turned out to be. And I do hope wholeheartedly that all of us are able to embrace and welcome them into our lives with open hands. Changes are still changes, but we have to remember one very significant thing. No matter how far changes may take you and how changes have changed you, somehow they will not be able to change the rest of you. There will always be something that other people can identify with when they look at you and you will always have some things in you that can never be changed because they define who you were in the past, who have you been presently and who you are going to be in years to come. You will own that signature personality that will eternally stay with you. It's just that, some parts other than your signature personality and looks will experience changes, as they pave ways for those things that define who you are to live on for the rest of your lifetime...

The Art of Letting Go

This particular entry of mine wasn't really supposed to be written the way I'm going to right now. But, a situation happened and I guess I couldn't help myself from bringing this one up here. This particular thing has been a part of who I am since the moment I experienced my first joy and heartbreak and I proudly say that I'm still learning about it and trying to wrap my mind around it every single day. It gets me every time something good or bad happens and sometimes it can be quite an unbearable emotional burden to shoulder. And I think, I had a few entries about this particular thing previously. It is about how to accept fate as it is and move on. Or in another word, the way of letting things go.

I have to bring this one up because at this moment, a good friend of mine is carrying a huge burden of trying to let something go. In this case, it's human and she is trying to let the love that she's kept for so many years for this person go and move on. And truth be told, she has been spending a good deal of her time trying to let him go. When I first heard her story way back then, I had a clear thought that I would be giving her the best advice possible; let the person go. She has so much love inside of her to give away that it should be given to  one very rightful person. The person who truly owns what he says, what he commits, what he promises and make her happy in the end, so that she should not feel that she gambles her fate away thoughtlessly and pours her heart and souls on a heart that only knows joyride. She said to me in the beginning that she truly believed that this person was the one for her. But time and time again, they both have proved to me, and to anyone that knows them, that they were not meant to be.

One day we happened to stumble upon each other and she started pouring what was inside of her to me. She admitted that the person was not always treating her the way he should and the relationship had turned sour a few times, to the point where it became surprisingly violent and abusive. It was not just the feeling of sadness and disappointment that I felt at that time. I felt sorry, I felt scared, and so heartbroken by what I heard. At the same time, I felt so helpless in a way that, I couldn't really find a way to help her, to give her the best words of advise possible and to mend her hurting heart. I told her that she should listen to her intuition and follow her rationality. And for a while, she did take the words into consideration and she seemed happy moving on even though she told me that the person was looking for her and begging her to return to him a few times.

Not long ago, we had a little chat about what was going on with our lives and she suddenly brought up her relationship to the table. She said they both would break up for good and nothing was coming in between her decision at that particular moment. I could only support her in everything that she was about to do and said she did the right thing because she should know better to give away her heart and soul to the right one, not a man who tend to take things for granted and doesn't really appreciate her dedication, loyalty and everything that she has to offer. However, deep within my heart, I couldn't really help myself from thinking that she wouldn't let him go that easily and she still would find some ways to get to him and get together again. I was right eventually, and it didn't really surprise me. I wasn't really enthusiastic and jumping up and down by the outcome of this whole turbulence.

It got me to a point where my mind started to think, maybe these two were really meant to be and they were forever bound by their heartbreaking fate. Therefore, I let her be and let them figure this out by themselves as I was in no way someone who could actually save it with mere words and opinions. Just as I thought things might go well eventually for both of them, they broke up once again a few days ago. Moreover, I dare to say that she is much more heartbroken now than she was previously. She has so many things to take care of and I really do hope sincerely, from the bottom of this little heart, that she is able to pull herself together through her trying times and do ask God's favour if she ever feels lost.

Somehow after all that has happened, I truly believe that what she is going through is something that I am very well able to relate to. In fact, I dare to say that maybe, I have more things that I'm regretting than all the people that I know. And I'm still in no possible way able to find the way out as I can't help myself from holding on to those things so dear in my heart. It's just heartbreaking and love is all I pray for so that someday, it could help me find a way to move on completely. If that friend of mine ever find this note that I'm writing and read it through, I sincerely hope that she doesn't consider this as a pitiful rant of one of her friend or a display of dissatisfaction and all. This is where all my ultimate truth lies. I pray she would find a peace of mind and possibly, a way to move on as well. Much love to you dear ...

This knowledge of knowing and experiencing brokenness has taught me one thing, that somehow we would find the truth of why they happen and why people seem to be much happier when they are already moving on. Even though it feels like I'm pretty much spent. But I know very well that I can't give up as my happiness is waiting for me somewhere out there. But for now, I'll just have to keep on living my life and bind myself around my loved ones, my friends and things I love dearly. It seems I won't be finding the art of letting go just yet..

You'll Find Me

A million miles away from this lonely city
You’re running around trying to make it
Leaving everything but your hopes and fears
You’re amazing indeed

If you can’t ever find a better place where you can stay
You can always come back and find the best place you’ll ever be
Here beside me

If the day is raining
When you’re looking at the sky
And it gets darker by the minute
You can’t even see a ray of light
Don’t lie down on your bed alone and cry, my baby
Look deep into your heart, and you’ll find me

As I’m sitting on the steps counting the days
You’re out there chasing dreams
Wish I could find a wing and fly away
Be by your side now, that’s my only dream

If the pain burns inside your heart and you feel like screaming
Just turn the radio on, play our favourite songs and sing
Let it be your healing

If the world around you
Is turning into an empty space
And reality hits you hard
You can’t even fake a smile on your face
You’re close to falling and you need somebody
Look deep into your soul and you’ll find me

Someday, you’ll find your way up to the top of those mountains
And you’ll have the strength to swim across the seven oceans
So, I hope you still have me in every corners of your mind
I pray there's still be a way to get to you and make you forever mine

A lyrical poetry that I wrote a couple of years ago about one of my good friends' long distance relationship. At that time, I was impressed by how dedicated and committed he was on trying to make his relationship work. I was even more impressed when I got to know that the relationship had been going on for a couple of years. Later that night, I went back to my college dorm and took my poetry book out straight away to write about everything that I thought about that kind of relationship If I ever had one. Surprisingly a few days after, he came to me and said the relationship had already fallen apart and it wasn't much of a mutual kind of separation. Till this day, I'm still saddened by how it turned out. It had already run its course. But, I never lose this sense of awe and impressiveness about their commitment when they were still together because it takes so much to keep it up. Love is a great thing. And as we all know so well, great things come with great responsibility to burden, and great prices to pay. 

Seeking Forgiveness in the Month Filled with Blessings

Not a single word could ever describe how grateful, lucky and blessed I am to be able to live my life, to love everything that I love and to breathe till this day. I am very much over the moon to get to experience this particular month again and to witness all sorts of His blessings and power in all their glories. It's that time of year again where everything is all about doing good things and getting that much sort-after rewarded. It's that time again for all of us to cleanse ourselves from all the wrongdoings and make a resolution to display a better representation of oneself; inside and outside. I am just as excited as everybody else this time around too. I realize that I've done so many wrongdoings instead of good deeds and I know very well what they are. My hope is that I could change that and try to be more of a matured, thoughtful and accepting man that I used to be in the past. 

The first thing that I did just before the first day of the month came was to seek forgiveness upon every wrong that I've done over the years, which was a first for me. I sought forgiveness from God, my loved ones and all my beautiful friends. I came to realize that I wasn't really much of a good person and I was far from treating everybody with kindness and open-heartedness. I am blown away by the love and support that these people have been giving me since. Therefore, it's just the right, natural thing to do. Hopefully, even in a small way, I am forgiven as I've already forgiven the wrongs that they've done. I do hope to decorate my book of life with many great, extraordinary things and not sins that I've committed. 

As the second day of this blessed month is on its way, I pray whole-heartedly to the One and Only that I would have a great journey ahead. A journey filled with so many memories that I want to treasure, so many ideas that I want to pour down all over my writing, so many golden opportunities to live a good life, to see things that I've never seen, to go to places that I've never been, to try many new things and to learn from them, to know extraordinary people along the way, to love and cherish all the souls and things that I love more and so much more. On top of it all, I would like to be a greater person that I am now and find my long lost happiness again soon. I'm counting the days till that day comes.