Innocence White Reminiscence Black

Long Gone Last Innocence ~ Fateful Haunting Reminiscence

It's Been A While ...

It's been a while since I last updated this blog of mine. Time never waits for anyone and it keeps moving as I'm thinking through things over here. I have a pretty good time to spend on myself writing blog ad stuff but work keep piling up it's just been 2 weeks since I got back here. So, i never really got the chance to online and update everything here. So, now I got the time in the world to do so. So, I'll write whatever things that I can put down here. Since my last pot, I've been writing a lot, getting those inspiration from my surroundings. It's every therapeutic in a way. I just want to write more and that's what I love doing now. I got to know some new stories and getting to know a l0t changes and transformation too. It's been a roller-coaster ride. But, I think I'm gonna make it through for a while. Emotions running high these days, but I'll try to manage them and things the way they suppose to be managed. I can't afford to lose myself in own time right now. I'll keep on moving. It's been a while indeed ...


Currently writing a set of lyric about myself. It happened so sudden. Yesterday, when I was looking out my windoas Iw at my hostel, suddenly an idea came and I started writing it down. And as I was writing along the way, it turned into someday that is so reflective. A story turned into a real life story about my life and what I am going through at the moment. I haven't finished it yet. Hoepfully I can get it done by tonight or so ...

Age Is Nothing

I have so many things going on in my mind right now. I wish I can put them down in words and I don't have anything to worry anymore afterwards. You know, all this time I've been surrounding myself with a lot things, possibilites, regrets, friends, enemies, and a lot more. Along the way, I have become another person, another side of myself is aching to shine. It's scary to even realise the fact that I'm growing up with all these things lingering everywhere near. I don't know if I should be happy or sad or even numb. But I'm kinda like anxious about this whole "growing up" thing. It makes you look a bit bolder and older than your age. Age is nothing, the way you comprehend things and developing a thick skin for what's coming is more important.


It triggers a thought when I came to think of this particular word, "bittersweet". Don't you think we're living in a bittersweet world, where happiness and sadness come together to mold the kind of life that we're living at the moment? There will be moments when you think you're at the top of the world, there will be moments when you go on saying, is my life over already? Truth does hurt. I believe, in order to feel that happiness, you must sacrifice and feel something bad and vice versa. Today, I gained something good, as well losing something too. So it's kinda like, bittersweet in a way. Another moment in time where I think, we can't always be happy all the time. There must be a moment where you have to feel sad, in order to live happily. Don't you think? ...

20th Year

Hmm...still can't believe it myself, I've turned 20 today. Feel like I'm getting a little bit older than I suppose I should be feeling right now. A lot have happened within these 20 years, and I'm still trying hard to figure out, take in and comprehend some of the past events that happened. All I can say is that, it has been a bittersweet journey. I've learned a lot too, meeting friends and a lot of new discoveries that contributed to who I am and what I am doing at the moment. All these have moulded me into someone that everybody sees right now. Maybe I have gotten a little bit out of place, a little bit sentimental, emotional, and aware of where my heart is leading me. And maybe during that process, I've become a little bit matured, horizon has broaden a little bit, I start to think about a lot of stuff, a little bit deep when it comes to showing emotions. I dare to say that, I've become a little bit outspoken in away and my mind starts to think about stuff that I've never cared to think over before, I'm more in touch with my personal pragmatism and a little bit improvement on trusting self-judgement and my own judgemental ability towards everything has improved too. I know my journey doesn't stop here. I will definitely be more grown-up than the one that I become right now. And my writing keeps getting improved and a little bit better too, in my own opinion. Currently writing about stuff, another "soul-healing" stuff that I said in my previous post, will be the "ending of a chapter" before I open up a new one later on. Sadness has yet to abandon me. I'll try to will this away. It will affect me sooner or later. Hopefully, things will get better, love will always be here to bless me and light will always be my guide along the way ...

Happy Birthday

Happy 2oth birthday ...


Late last night, I just finished writing one more song, the one that I was working on and I said I wanted to finish before the day of my birthday comes. I got the chance to finish it and it's a great feeling of accomplishment, to think it might be the hardest song I've written so far. It took one week and still, I can't find a way to feel satisfied even though I feel like I've accomplished something. Well, there's still time to improvise. I'm gonna start writing what I consider to be the "ending-of-a-chapter" lyric before I open a new chapter and write more later on. Still considering what to write, either I want to write things that I usually do or other things that I never tried writing before. And tomorrow is another big day of mine too. I'm gonna close the door to another year of age and open a new year with hopefully, things that can make me stronger. I have a few big decision to make too, other than these. It just shows how much has life broaden your horizon and the self maturity that keeps on evolving through time. Somehow, in the midst of overwhelmingly sad emotions that I feel right now, I feel so anxious. What to expect and how I am going to react to everything that will come along the way. I don't know what to wish too. So much to think about, so much to be consumed in so little time. Hope I don't get lost in my own time ...

Counting The Days

I'm actually counting the days until my upcoming birthday. And out of so many questions echoing in mind right now, the question that makes me think is that, what to expect? Because I don't really have any idea what to. Time's moving so fast, I can hardly catch up with things and I bet there's more to come. Time's moving so fast and the hope of having a good celebration, I guess I may have to forget it and pass it on to next year or years after. I still can't find a way to escape my sadness tho. I've been so down lately, since last month and I don't know what caused me to feel this way. It's stupid to say the least. And counting the days until birthday won't do me a single favor whatsoever. I'm currently in an on-going therapy, keep writing poetry to move my mind away from things for a while. In a week or so, I'm leaving my home to start a new session. So I need to recover and get myself on the right track again. And surprisingly, I can't wait to get back and do all sort of things on my own. Talking about writing songs just now, I'm currently in the midst of writing a very reflective song about the fear of being left behind, being alone, like I'm feeling right now, and you realize the feelings don't want to go away. You have done pretty much, everything to save what's left and in the end, it's almost the same as you didn't do anything in the first place. And you wonder to yourself, are you going to be like this, even until the days of you growing old later on, you'll be feeling like this and no one would want to save you and hold your hands, take you out from everything that has saddened you? It's a very reflective song, and it conjures everything that lingers in every corners of my mind right now. I'll try to finish this before the day of my birthday comes ...


She’s a queen
The eyes of a thousand mysteries,
She’s a heroine
From the greatest story,
I’m enchanted as she stands in front of me,
She’s the greatest.

She’s the builder
Of the houses made of light,
She’s a whisperer
Changes the path from wrong to right,
She sparks fireworks when the sky is all clear,
She’s the greatest.

When the darkness seems so blinding,
And there’s no one to be seen,
She raises her hands and holds me tight,
Tighter than she’s ever been,
And she’s a woman.

She keeps it real
When the rest are saving faces,
She let me feel
The warmth inside these empty spaces,
She breaks the silent and cracks those walls,
And her love never ends.

You’re the brightest star
In this endless universe,
Though you’re so far way
Your heart seems so near,
There’s nothing I could say to you,
Than “I love you”.

When I’m lost in this game we called life,
And I’m holding on to the last breath of mine,
She saves me and flies me away to a better place,
She’s my saving grace,
She’s the woman.

The clock strikes midnight,
And I’m losing my sight,
Next thing I know, I’m all alone,
Then, she comes and light up this whole town,
And says “Don’t let your guards down.”
I know I won’t be alone,

I wrote this on Mother's Day. It's dedicated to mothers out there of course. However somehow, any female can actually relate this to them and it turned to women-as-universal themed lyric. So I dedicated this to all women out there.

The Prayer

Driving the misery out of the mystery,
Killing those painful, throbbing memories,
I’ve been living a life so, so empty,
But it’s time for me to move on from this insanity.

Filling up the wide open space in my heart,
Putting back the love once torn apart,
Will I ever be free, I’ll never know for sure,
Just trying to believe, my tears have run dry.

Heaven’s where all the angels belong,
I open up my heart, break those devils away,
Get caught up in between, I’m lost for words,
I’ll say a pray to save my sorry.

When you’re stranded in the endless desert,
And everybody is nowhere to be found and heard,
Things you loved the most suddenly look insignificant,
Can’t you see, you need someone to hold your hands.

Why you have to mind those divine truths,
When you know they’re nothing but lies,
Yearning to your faith, crave for His sanction,
And raise your hands up in the sky.

When you couldn’t save the souls of the broken,
When you’re not strong enough to ram into the wall,
Just remember this, you’re only human,
You’ll say a pray, hoping for a call.

You’re not a savior,
I’m not a guardian,
And so, we’ll be the prayer,
And we pray,
For we’re only human.

I wrote this after listening to a song 2 years ago. It's about us being a prayer to the Holy One above and diligently praying and hoping for the best. In this time of endless grieving, saying a little pray for myself wouldn't hurt ...

What's Next?

Hmm...finally done with one piece of lyric. I'm currently looking for another inspiration to write. I want to write specifically about things I've never written about before. Things that are unconventional, maybe trying to tackle down something like I did before, writing about a dying soldier. Suddenly, my horizon is just being opened by this whole "unconventional writing". I want to write something that is so deep, but at the same time, so accessible for everyone to understand and think. I'm feeling this way maybe because these last few weeks, I've been so down and so consumed with feelings of loneliness, sadness, everything that are so negative. I found positivity by altering these feelings into words and put them down into sets of lyrics that I can sing away and lay down melodies on. It's my escape. Even though the feelings still linger and they get stronger by the moment, I still think it's a good thing to turn them around into something else, something I love doing. And because of these feelings too, I start to think about a lot of things, maturity is growing bit by bit, and start to look out for things "unconventional". This whole situation is totally different, I've never felt like this before. I find a little bit of comfort by meeting a lot of good people and thinking about all these stuff. That's why I want to start writing about things "outside of the box". Just want to broden my horizon and looking for new experience out of all these feelings of loneliness, sadness, dullness that I feel right now. What do you think? ...


Ignorance is bliss
In a moment, it ends with a kiss

Silence is golden
It breaks as the tables turn

Mirrors shatter to pieces
Reflections fall and disappear
You’re sitting around thinking over
Thoughts you have in mind are so unclear

Lift your hopes high
But, they can be so out of reach

Nightmare is the devil’s game
Sometimes, it can be so real

Lost in this world you don’t seem to bother
Promises you have failed to keep after all these years
You’re sitting around without looking your way out over
Never wonder where all those promises go

They say nothing is forever
And you believe it anyway

You run away from your loving family
And come back crawling at their feet someday

People come around with troubles and stories
So, seek that sacred light and you’ll find your glory
Don’t sit around thinking your senseless thoughts over
The life gets sweeter, it keeps getting better

I wrote this for a friend of mine and it's about the relevance and logic behind every single thing that you believe in.


In his eyes,
There’s nothing he couldn’t do,
There’s no wall he couldn’t break through,
In his life,
Love was all he had to offer,
If it’s gone, and it’s all over,
Uncertainty with a taste of curiosity,
And that was how he used to be.

To their eyes,
He was liked and loved so dearly,
There’s no room for dreadful memories,
What a life,
His never-ending miseries touched their hearts,
Strange enough, they never seemed to end,
As if he could get away from everything,
That was how he’s supposed to be.

He said, “Glad to get to know you.”
They said, “Friends forever, it’s true.”

They swallowed him in and spitted his flaws out,
They closed their ears and shut the past without a doubt,
The bliss and glory sealed those talking mouths,
They’ve never been this swept away.

Came a day,
When a single truth unfolded countless of lies,
Simple talks would turn to meaningless fights,
There’s no way,
He could ever be forgiven,
He blew all the chances he’s been given,
Just like a shadow, he’s disappeared,
Leaving them speechless and lost for words.

They wondered,
Why they didn’t just leave him alone,
Still, they held out and never walked away,
But I’m sure,
The pieces of the shattered puzzle,
Will fit in as one once again,
A lost bird would find its way back eventually,
And that’s how it’s gonna be.

Will the wait be forever?
Will they be waking up sober?

They kept on moving, kept on praying,
For “Men like us don’t kick and break.”
These words of honesty moved me so much,
I’ve never been this swept away.

Navy blue sky,
Of starless night,
Soon filled with glitters,
Of hopes shine bright,
“Pour down your love and grace upon them.”
Wish He would listen to this plea of mine…

A wrote this not long ago to let go something that has gotten me sadden until now. What's worst that having a person you call one of your best friend and suddenly, walk away with nothing to say after all the commotion, suffering and everything bad that the person had done? On top of that, pretending like nothing has happened. It's animal and that person's just anything worst than that. If that person ever happen to read this stuff I wrote, hope you'll get what you deserve and lose in your own little losing game. I pray you'd be burned scorch with all your lying mouth and dirty heart.

Nothing Much To Say, But ...

Well, today was pretty much normal and dull. I don't think I got anything else to say other than that. Feelings were pretty much the same too as before. I can't will them all away just yet. So, I'll consume myself in writing and try to write something. Previous writing, haven't finished yet. Creative block. But, I will try to lay down more words tonight. And in a blink, I'm gonna celebrate my birthday in a week or so. So, I'm getting older and I don't even know anything, regarding my surrounding and myself. So, what will I become later than? ...

It's Been Too Long

This morning, I decided to go outing and have some fun wondering alone around town after a long period of locking myself up in my own house and my own room. Just to let the stress and sadness out of my body and soul for a while. Even though, it didn't really help much. But, it's still good enough. At least, I wanted to do something with myself. Last night was great, and i started writing verses for the next set of lyric. I've been so sad and so out of place lately, trying to put myself together and picking up pieces so they would fit in once again. I need some rest too, and tonight, I'll continue on the writing. Immersing myself in so much negativity is my only way out for now. Hopefully, it will go away soon.