Innocence White Reminiscence Black

Long Gone Last Innocence ~ Fateful Haunting Reminiscence

December Rain

A room of empty spaces
Echo this loneliness
A thousand days and nights
Thoughts of your pretty face
Like pictures on the wall
It keeps on running through my mind

You’re out there
Packing all your crazy dreams
In your little backpack
Trying to leave and be somebody
On the ground now
Are all the hopes we used to share
You’re a challenge now
This loss is just too hard to bear

The clear blue sky above me
Slowly fades away bit by bit
As those rainclouds come and paint it grey
It’s way pass 5.40
And they only thing I need is tonight
So I can fall asleep and never lie awake...

Wondering how this life would be without you
Wasting the time away, figuring out how to start anew

I think I’ll close that front door today
Hoping someone good would come knocking one day
I’ll remember you in this cold December rain
Wish I could move on someday

I was too young to know
What we thought would last
Would find its way to die someday
And I used to think it’s forevermore
When you left your world behind
To live in mine instead

For the first time, I thought maybe something beautiful
Would someday shine on this broken road
And now it’s gone, I find myself all alone again
Searching for my way back home

I think I’ll close that front door today
Hoping something good would come around here one day
I’ll remember us in this cold December rain
And wish this heart of mine would beat once again

As this lonely day gets darker, as the burning sun sets down
I’ll take one step at a time, burn and leave our sweet past
Baby, I wish you all the best, hope you find bliss on your way
I’ll try my best to make this pain fail to last

And I think I’ll close that front today
Hoping someone good would come knocking one day
I’ll remember you as I’m here, looking for a way
To keep me sane

I’ll think close that front door today
Hoping something good would come around here one day
I’ll leave the pieces in this pouring December rain
I’ll take this one chance and pray to God for healing
Hope I could move one someday

It's been a very long time since. And truth be told, I haven't been able to write anything new as well. But, knowing that I haven't posted anything since then, I decided to post something tonight. Something that I did last December, which was quite a rainy month. Just like this year's December too, it pours down like there's no end.

I did remember writing this one exactly at 5.40 in the evening and it's raining so bad at that time. It triggered something in my head, about the idea of rain and December, the month of closure. The month where people try to get over difficult things happening in life throughout the year and hope they could open a new chapter filled with much better memories in the upcoming year. Rain always makes me feel nostalgic and inspires me. And December itself is a very bittersweet month as well. The combination was just perfect. After one whole year, this one is still so relevant to me.

Though this one is not really related to me in any way and it doesn't bear any of my truth as it's just a story being told, I think some people out there would be able to relate to it in some ways, maybe. (owh yeah, I'm truly sorry if everything in this writing isn't impeccably written, aite >.< )

Simply Extraordinary

I admit wholeheartedly that I'm not really good at giving anything to anybody. I don't even consider giving anything to anybody most of the times. It's not that I don't want to. It's just that, it is something that you need to put a lot of thoughts into. I'm always a person with so many thoughts, don't get me wrong. But when it comes to something precious to be given to somebody, I usually tell myself to skip it. I would rather watch people around me exchanging gifts and see what they've gotten from one another. Nevertheless, I do believe that no matter what kinds of gifts that people give and take, even if they just a small token of gratitude anyone can find anywhere, they constitute so much meaning to the giver and the receiver. I have a lot of people giving me a lot of things every now and then and I can tell that they come from their deepest and sincerest hearts. The problem is that I don't really have the urge to try giving them something to remember and cherish too as a way to thank them. Other than spoken gratitude and a display of affection, I've got nothing on my plate. Therefore, a few weeks ago, I decided to try doing new things, something that I had never done before. Seeing people giving so much love and support to me, it makes me want to give something back to them in any way possible. I decided to send greeting cards to few friends just before the Eid celebration.

For the first time in my entire life, I decided to send greeting cards to some lucky friends of mine. It sounds quite childish and very extraordinarily nothing to some hearts. But, I take this one as one very valuable experience that I will never be able to forget. What made me decide to do it was that, I felt like I needed to repay their kindness and openness towards me. I'm always a private guy who don't really share things even to my family members as I like to keep them to myself. But, seeing these great friends of mine opening up to me and nonchalantly letting me in to their world and giving me a time and space to get to know them a little bit better, just overwhelmed me in so many ways I could think of. What made me even more overwhelmed with joy was that, I didn't really get the chance to know some of these friends in the past even though we had already known each other for years. And, we ended up getting to know each other so well in the most unthinkable and random situations possible. 

What I wrote in each card was different. And the feelings I poured down were different in each card as well. I decided to make them worth reading and somewhat reflective as it was my first time. Since I couldn't afford to buy, or even manage to find, bigger cards, I simplified whatever things that I really wanted to say. I went on to write an introductory apology for all the wrongdoings that I had done, the recent memories that we both had that made us closer and what I really thought about them as a person. It took quite a while to complete them all as I was extremely busy with doing all the Eid celebration up to the first few days of Eid itself. The fact that I chose to brainstorm what I really wanted to say caused much delay as well, but I didn't regret my decision. I believed at that time, I needed to be cautious with my thoughts and what I was going to write to my friends as thoughts wrongly interpreted might lead to unwanted misunderstanding. In the middle of that chaotic weeks, I would squeeze it in and spend a few nights completing them little by little. Eventually, I managed to complete doing it and slide all the cards in the mailbox just in time.

At that time, I just wished that the cards would reached them in time. I didn't really expect any kind of blown-away reaction coming from them. I just thought that it was one of those good things that I rarely did and hoped the cards would be kept safe as a thing to remember. It gave me a sense of self-fulfilment and satisfaction to be able to do it. It's quite amazing how an act as ordinary as sending cards could lift you and give you something that some bigger things could not. And now, it gives me some sort of clarification that I really should start appreciating smaller things that has bigger meaning that they appear. It was simply extraordinary at that time, and it will remain extraordinary for as long as I breathe ...

A Risky Opportunity

It has been such a long time since my last entry. I am well aware that I'm doing less and less writing these days. Intentionally not writing about anything is far and away not the case here. It's just that I don't have the mood, the right ideas and thoughts and words to write anything. My mind was just taking a sudden creative break and I wasn't really in the right state of mind either. However, I don't intend to abandon this little space of mine and what I love doing as well. So, I hope from time to time, I will be able to put up something to read.

I spent a lot of days trying to focus on something very important. Something that I really want to do and pursuit in life. I've done a lot of opportunity-searching lately. Just trying to look for any kinds of chances that I could grab while enjoying my life just a little in reality. I believe one's life doesn't only revolve around technology and Internet most of the time. One does need to enjoy life and be at places where everybody goes to sometimes. I met up with some of my friends as we had a lot of things to catch up on with each other. A lot of soul-searching and horizon-broadening too. I did all that, until yesterday. I had a chance to experience something that I never thought I would in my entire life together with a couple of my good friends. And, it turned out to be one of the most important days of my life.

We went to a career exhibition in the city and we tried our luck on going for some huge companies along the way. One of them was totally a random decision. It was so random to the point where I had second thoughts about it. And the company was not really looking for any kinds of graduate from my field. We don't really have what it takes to be in that place too. But, we were quite attracted to the kinds of work that they do everyday. It is a huge, well-known company that holds conferences. events and other kinds of entertainment-related work, which is something that I quite keen to have a chance to work in. We were able to listen to an informative explanation from the senior manager himself. He was indeed kind enough to entertain us and gave us an overview of what the company was all about. Being engaging and extremely friendly didn't hurt either. One of my friends was very excited, she was already imagining us working there. I was, on the other hand, full of doubts and reservation. The same went to my other friend too. But, in the end, she managed to persuade us to go for it together and as soon as it finished, I just thought that I had made up mind on something so huge. I had a lot of instant anxiety, doubts and uneasy feelings the whole day. But everything was already said and done. There was no use regretting what we had got ourselves into. We walk off the place, hoping and praying we had truly made the right decision for ourselves just then.

People keep on telling me that you should take chances in life. As much as I believe in that inspiring phrases, I do believe that we must think the chances through before we make up my mind on what we should do. We ought to make the right move in order to make a conscious decision that will only lead us to good things in the end. As much as I want to think that the chance that I took yesterday was something that I couldn't miss out on, I do have my reservations as well. I don't know how it is going to turn out for me and my friends and how I am going to work there and try to blend in with the environment if I've got accepted. If it's meant to be for me, then I may give it a try. If it's not, I have nothing to lose either. At the very least, I had a chance to try my luck and conquered my fear. It was truly a risky opportunity to lay my fingers on, but I need to at least be positive about the whole thing. At the back of my little mind, I can't help but hoping it's all worth it in the end ...

I Love Them To Death, No Matter What ...

The month filled with all sorts of blessings and lights is going to leave all of us again soon for another year. As I'm counting down these last few days before welcoming the upcoming month of celebration, I can't help but thinking this particular fasting month may be the most peaceful that I have ever had in years. I don't know, but I'm having this unspoken tranquillity throughout this month. I haven't done anything productive and I have a lot of things coming. I don't know how I am supposed to get it all done and I'm at my usual lazy-poke point. But somehow, they don't affect me much. It's just one of those times when I think I'm having this much freedom to do anything I want and I'm savouring it all the way to its last drop. I don't really want it to end so fast and I just want to be in this moment for as long as I wish. But time passes, and life has to go on. I need to face reality soon and it scares me in a way. 

I don't know if I should talk about this one in here. But, here it goes ...

I am well aware that I don't really have the most perfect family in the world. I am 4 years younger than the third siblings and 10 years younger than my abang-long, the first offspring of the family. We haven't been talking to each other much all this time, and we don't talk as much now naturally. Abang-long is married already, my abang-ngah has his own life and career that he enjoys so much now that he doesn't really come home often. My sister is having a life of her own as well and we are not as close as we had always been in the past. Therefore, it is pretty much a pros-and-cons matter to me. I've got to spend as much time as I want on my own and I'm able to concentrate on doing things that I love and would love to try. At the same time, it saddens me a bit that it becomes such a turning point for me because my life at the moment doesn't revolve much around them anymore. 

Out of all 4 siblings, I dare to say that I'm the most rebellious one in the family. I would always fight with my abanglong because he didn't really do anything much at home and he would always be wasting all his money for something not worth spending his money on. I fought with my parents as much as well, especially my mom, who did not always come to agree with everything that I did. She still is and I've come to accept the fact that she's never going to agree with me all the way, though she let me do whatever I feel like doing most of the time. I love her anyway and it will never change. 

Regarding my parents, it's quite difficult to talk about the relationship between these two, even more difficult knowing how they have turned out to be and how it has affected the relationship that we all share around our family. It's quite confusing and emotionally draining. Perfection has never been a precise word to describe the relationship that my mother and father has. Truthfully speaking, they are not in very good terms at the moment and sadly, this has been going on for many years already. In the past, there were always fights and dissatisfactions. It was either verbal fights or cold wars. Emotions were always at all time high when they exchanged words. I dare to say that it affected my siblings in a way. That might explains why my two brothers don't always make an effort to stay put at home as much now and me and my sister will always be doing something just to take our minds off somewhere when tension arises. My brothers did not really spill anything out, but my sister once told me that they have been going at it since the days they were still unmarried. Whenever I could find time to pray, I would pray every single day that they would find a way to get through it. Whatever way they might come up with, I could only hope that they would stop doing what they have been doing and get it over with. 

At the moment throughout this fasting month, they haven't been talking much. They just don't talk. It's not what I have in mind when it comes to seeing them working their relationship out. However, it is so much better than going back to where they were before. My abanglong did come home with sister-in-law and their 2 young babies not long ago during one weekend. My abangngah did come to visit us as soon as he touched down after spending a month in India to work on his project. On the other hand, about my parents, right now, I can only pray that they would find a better way to work it all out properly and not resorting into something as heartbreaking as this soon. It just so sad to think that we might have a slight chance to end it all on a very ugly note. 

It's always an overwhelmingly emotional thing to me. I have talked about it to some of my friends, who happen to be in a similar position and situation as mine. It breaks me to tell and it's just as heartbreaking to listen to as well. I have been holding on to my fragile strength for as long as I can remember and that explains why I put on a different face and attitude around people sometimes while I'm fighting my emotions with every bit of my fleeing will. Even so, it doesn't really work out for me. A very good friend of mine came to me one day and she sensed something was not right about me and the vibe that I was projecting at that time was just bad and suffocating. I let my guard down and told her everything as the result. It proves to me that I cannot always hold on to making straight faces and holding back. 

These are all a small portion of what has actually been happening in my family throughout all these years we're living together under one roof. To dig deeper into it is something that I don't really want to do and I'm sure people who read this entry don't want to know either. Even so, after all that I have poured down on this entry, I still love each and everyone of my family members so dearly. They are not the most perfect persons in the world but because of what we all share with each other, I am able to live in something that people call a "family". They are a lot of people out there who don't even own a family, don't even know who their family members are, where they have been and what they are doing at the moment. They don't even have vague memories of it. Therefore, I consider myself a very lucky human being to have one even if it seems imperfect and is filled with cracks and patches. I cannot bring myself to bash my family the way some famous faces do.

I do hope that one day, things would turn out for the better not only for my parents, but also my relationship with my siblings and the relationship between my siblings and my parents as a whole. I also hope that my own family, if I'm ever going to have one, will be much happier than what I'm having now. I'll make sure of that. I don't know what future will hold for all of us. I don't think I want to know either. What matters is now and the efforts of bettering and making up for all those times we hurt each other deeply. I love them to death, no matter what happens. No matter what ... 

Some Things Are Bound To Change

I admit that I used to be a totally different person, sporting a totally different persona during those days in the past. I was so new to the world that I was seeing at that time and I tried hard to fit in as I was quite timid when growing up. Being timid made me a bit cautious towards my surroundings. But, it started to wear off gradually and I became quite open with what I was seeing, hearing and talking about. I got to know many different kinds of people and places that I had never been before. I started to learn new things, read different kinds of stuff, take on different kinds of challenges. These elements shaped me into who I was at certain point in my life. Then, came those changes, and I became another different person again. I started to figure out more about what I want and what I love. I started to think about what's best for me and what wasn't. I basically grew up into who I am today and I have never been much better, relaxed and liberated than I am now. 

A friend of mine came to me one day and the person said that he saw so many changes in me. Maybe because he was away from my sight for a long time and when the time came for us to meet up and have a talk, he sensed something a bit different about me. We're bound to meet up one of these days as well and he might say the same thing over again when we meet. I do believe that we cannot run away from changes. I now become a little bit simpler. I used to dress up till I overdressed myself sometimes. Now, I only look for things that are simpler to my eyes and less heavy-looking. I used to have less thoughts about what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Today, I am quite cautious about many things. I begin to think more about life and have much deeper thoughts about everything. These changes come naturally to my senses. Some of them love them and some of them think that it might be a little bit extreme for somebody as young as me. I had another friend who told me that I have matured more than I should and I am too old for my age to be thinking about or saying some things. I sense a small truth in what they said but I cannot go back to where I was and be at one place for the rest of my life.

All I know is that, some things are bound to change as you grow older and wiser. You will go through some changes even beyond what you can comprehend and realize. I've grown and for now, I like how I have turned out to be. And I do hope wholeheartedly that all of us are able to embrace and welcome them into our lives with open hands. Changes are still changes, but we have to remember one very significant thing. No matter how far changes may take you and how changes have changed you, somehow they will not be able to change the rest of you. There will always be something that other people can identify with when they look at you and you will always have some things in you that can never be changed because they define who you were in the past, who have you been presently and who you are going to be in years to come. You will own that signature personality that will eternally stay with you. It's just that, some parts other than your signature personality and looks will experience changes, as they pave ways for those things that define who you are to live on for the rest of your lifetime...

The Art of Letting Go

This particular entry of mine wasn't really supposed to be written the way I'm going to right now. But, a situation happened and I guess I couldn't help myself from bringing this one up here. This particular thing has been a part of who I am since the moment I experienced my first joy and heartbreak and I proudly say that I'm still learning about it and trying to wrap my mind around it every single day. It gets me every time something good or bad happens and sometimes it can be quite an unbearable emotional burden to shoulder. And I think, I had a few entries about this particular thing previously. It is about how to accept fate as it is and move on. Or in another word, the way of letting things go.

I have to bring this one up because at this moment, a good friend of mine is carrying a huge burden of trying to let something go. In this case, it's human and she is trying to let the love that she's kept for so many years for this person go and move on. And truth be told, she has been spending a good deal of her time trying to let him go. When I first heard her story way back then, I had a clear thought that I would be giving her the best advice possible; let the person go. She has so much love inside of her to give away that it should be given to  one very rightful person. The person who truly owns what he says, what he commits, what he promises and make her happy in the end, so that she should not feel that she gambles her fate away thoughtlessly and pours her heart and souls on a heart that only knows joyride. She said to me in the beginning that she truly believed that this person was the one for her. But time and time again, they both have proved to me, and to anyone that knows them, that they were not meant to be.

One day we happened to stumble upon each other and she started pouring what was inside of her to me. She admitted that the person was not always treating her the way he should and the relationship had turned sour a few times, to the point where it became surprisingly violent and abusive. It was not just the feeling of sadness and disappointment that I felt at that time. I felt sorry, I felt scared, and so heartbroken by what I heard. At the same time, I felt so helpless in a way that, I couldn't really find a way to help her, to give her the best words of advise possible and to mend her hurting heart. I told her that she should listen to her intuition and follow her rationality. And for a while, she did take the words into consideration and she seemed happy moving on even though she told me that the person was looking for her and begging her to return to him a few times.

Not long ago, we had a little chat about what was going on with our lives and she suddenly brought up her relationship to the table. She said they both would break up for good and nothing was coming in between her decision at that particular moment. I could only support her in everything that she was about to do and said she did the right thing because she should know better to give away her heart and soul to the right one, not a man who tend to take things for granted and doesn't really appreciate her dedication, loyalty and everything that she has to offer. However, deep within my heart, I couldn't really help myself from thinking that she wouldn't let him go that easily and she still would find some ways to get to him and get together again. I was right eventually, and it didn't really surprise me. I wasn't really enthusiastic and jumping up and down by the outcome of this whole turbulence.

It got me to a point where my mind started to think, maybe these two were really meant to be and they were forever bound by their heartbreaking fate. Therefore, I let her be and let them figure this out by themselves as I was in no way someone who could actually save it with mere words and opinions. Just as I thought things might go well eventually for both of them, they broke up once again a few days ago. Moreover, I dare to say that she is much more heartbroken now than she was previously. She has so many things to take care of and I really do hope sincerely, from the bottom of this little heart, that she is able to pull herself together through her trying times and do ask God's favour if she ever feels lost.

Somehow after all that has happened, I truly believe that what she is going through is something that I am very well able to relate to. In fact, I dare to say that maybe, I have more things that I'm regretting than all the people that I know. And I'm still in no possible way able to find the way out as I can't help myself from holding on to those things so dear in my heart. It's just heartbreaking and love is all I pray for so that someday, it could help me find a way to move on completely. If that friend of mine ever find this note that I'm writing and read it through, I sincerely hope that she doesn't consider this as a pitiful rant of one of her friend or a display of dissatisfaction and all. This is where all my ultimate truth lies. I pray she would find a peace of mind and possibly, a way to move on as well. Much love to you dear ...

This knowledge of knowing and experiencing brokenness has taught me one thing, that somehow we would find the truth of why they happen and why people seem to be much happier when they are already moving on. Even though it feels like I'm pretty much spent. But I know very well that I can't give up as my happiness is waiting for me somewhere out there. But for now, I'll just have to keep on living my life and bind myself around my loved ones, my friends and things I love dearly. It seems I won't be finding the art of letting go just yet..

You'll Find Me

A million miles away from this lonely city
You’re running around trying to make it
Leaving everything but your hopes and fears
You’re amazing indeed

If you can’t ever find a better place where you can stay
You can always come back and find the best place you’ll ever be
Here beside me

If the day is raining
When you’re looking at the sky
And it gets darker by the minute
You can’t even see a ray of light
Don’t lie down on your bed alone and cry, my baby
Look deep into your heart, and you’ll find me

As I’m sitting on the steps counting the days
You’re out there chasing dreams
Wish I could find a wing and fly away
Be by your side now, that’s my only dream

If the pain burns inside your heart and you feel like screaming
Just turn the radio on, play our favourite songs and sing
Let it be your healing

If the world around you
Is turning into an empty space
And reality hits you hard
You can’t even fake a smile on your face
You’re close to falling and you need somebody
Look deep into your soul and you’ll find me

Someday, you’ll find your way up to the top of those mountains
And you’ll have the strength to swim across the seven oceans
So, I hope you still have me in every corners of your mind
I pray there's still be a way to get to you and make you forever mine

A lyrical poetry that I wrote a couple of years ago about one of my good friends' long distance relationship. At that time, I was impressed by how dedicated and committed he was on trying to make his relationship work. I was even more impressed when I got to know that the relationship had been going on for a couple of years. Later that night, I went back to my college dorm and took my poetry book out straight away to write about everything that I thought about that kind of relationship If I ever had one. Surprisingly a few days after, he came to me and said the relationship had already fallen apart and it wasn't much of a mutual kind of separation. Till this day, I'm still saddened by how it turned out. It had already run its course. But, I never lose this sense of awe and impressiveness about their commitment when they were still together because it takes so much to keep it up. Love is a great thing. And as we all know so well, great things come with great responsibility to burden, and great prices to pay.