Innocence White Reminiscence Black

Long Gone Last Innocence ~ Fateful Haunting Reminiscence

Regrets for the Past

I can't help but to drown myself day by day in my ow regrets for all the things happening in the past, all that happen now and maybe, all the things that will happen in the future. It's the very part of me that is affecting and emotionally controlling. It moulds pretty much everything of who I am and what people see in me nowadays. As you get older, you're getting mature with your choice and thoughts and suddenly, you're reminiscing about those things that "killed" you way before this. Yesterday, something really came up unexpectedly and it was so shocking. But then again,. I don't really have the heart to feel hate, or to even thinking of hating because I am now, like anybody else. Human and emotionally vulnerable. As much as you want to get that particular bad karma and vibes out of you, you can't really help but regretting them again and again. It's hard to keep up with the pace of today when you still can't find a way to get over your broken. It stays in you as a reminder that you're so bad that you don't even deserve to be given a room for forgiveness whatsoever. And you just end up being filled with guilt. It's a tough life that I'm going through at the moment. But sadly, I'm too private that I can't even share some of them with those great people of mine to ease up the pain and lift some of the burdens away ...

To Forgive & To Forget ...

It's been a while since my last entry. The time is slipping so fast and I'm trying the best I can to catch up with it. So, with just that, I've taken a lot of my own time and space. But, it's all good and I'm moving forward. I had some good progress with my writing two. I just finished one piece of wonderful writing, written based on my friend's experience and relationship in love last week and I couldn't be more happier. Though, I had to apologize to him several times because I didn't want to be looked at as someone who is just taking advantage of a good relationship that I have with people around me. But, it's all okay since he said it's fine. It's a very challenging time these days, especially for my ideas and thoughts. They happen to ring a bell once in a while, the urge to write seldom comes nowadays, making my writing's progression a little bit slower than it used to be before this. But, I'm liking this very moment so much. It is because, the ideas that come out a few in a while turn out to be better than before, thus allowing me to express my feelings and thought much freer and easier. 

These past few days that I have not updated this journal, I spent those days with a lot of self-reflection and self-realization over things happening around me. And just a few nights ago, I was looking back at some of the past that I'd never got the chance to rid off. It had stayed for a long time and that night, I was self-reflecting on those things. I took a very long period of reminiscing and a few moments of chatting with a good friend of mine to really get the most of it out. And right now at this time, I'm starting to feel a little bit better and relieved that so far, I'm still being blessed with a life that I can lead. That night, I said the very last goodbye to those past. Even though it's not much, but it took a large amount of grieve out of my heart and on that very night too, I started to do what I'd never thought I would ever do in my life to forgive and to forget ... 

A New Beginning ...

Happy new year. The window of a new decade is finally open. When everybody is out there wishing everybody happy new year and good fortune, I'm here trying to sort things out, trying to sort myself out. I've been in the lowest these past few years. And right now, I think I'm going to make a change. I don't know if the change could "change" my life as a whole. But, I just believe that it is time for change, time to change. Maybe getting a little bit fearless when it comes to making decision and deciding. Maybe, trying to be a little bit more in touch with myself, my needs, my emotions and everything that I want. Not to forget, to those who I have drifted apart from and purposely drifted away. I know that sometime, I have a hard time trying to make myself look make sense and acceptable. It's the way I am and it's going to take a long time for me to cease this away. Maybe, I should try a bit by reducing the gap, And to those who people tend to call them the "enemies", right now all I'm saying is you are so at the back of mind. I should start forgetting every hurt and every pain and I want you to know that I have and there is nothing that could make this heart melt anymore. I let you stick to your own devices and do whatever you want. I have enough people who love me dearly, more than you did before. And I love them every much. God is who I give my heart and my soul to. So, I leave it all to Him. He knows best. And back to the story of myself. I just realize that I am on my way to fulfilling my dreams. And I finger cross every single day just hoping that it would come true. I won't stop believing in them until they finally come true. Overall, I just want to say that now, my life is going to be bigger and challenging. And you know what, this is what I want. This is it, a new beginning of the chapter of my life. It starts here and it starts right now...