Innocence White Reminiscence Black

Long Gone Last Innocence ~ Fateful Haunting Reminiscence

The Things Worth Giving Away & Leaving Behind

Last Saturday and Sunday, I suddenly had the overwhelming urge to go through my closet and check on my clothes and stuff I put inside it and thank God I did. It's not that my closet was such a huge mess even when I put almost everything I kept inside it because I would always find a space in it. It's just that, I realized that it was so packed with everything that wasn't mine. Therefore, I decided to have it spring-cleaned, in 2 straight days. I took out everything from shirts, to pants, to my jeans and those that I don't think I would want to wear anymore. Then, I took out those that wasn't mine that my mother had been stuffing inside my small closet all these years. I took them all out and I put them all in a store closet. 

Then, I worked on my clothes. As I went through everything, hanged everything up and folded every piece, I found that I hadn't been wearing some of the clothes that I was keeping up to that particular day. I didn't know what to do with them. There were all still in great condition. It's just that I don't have the urge, the figure, and the right age to pull the look anymore. As I'm getting older, my taste is changing as well. Therefore, I decided to give them away to some of my friends. I have everything in all kinds of sizes. So, I don't really worry about giving them away. My friends all come in all shapes and sizes as well, that is so good to be aware of. I have given a few of my shirts to some of my friends who share the same size as me not long ago. I still do have some more that I'm going to give away later on. As a result, my closet has become a little bit much spacious than how it used to be like before I spring-cleaned it. 

It has also taught me something very important that day. Something that I'm lacking in terms of living as a human being. Something that my friends and family have always been reminding me up to this day. It is about giving away and be generous. I've always taught that I can keep my stuff for as long as I live without giving them away. And I've always taught that I wouldn't want anybody to wear my stuff and I would always find a day to wear them again. I admit that I was a little bit stingy in the past. And now, I still can't believe that spring-cleaning my own closet is all that it takes to change my heart. I feel a little bit liberated along the way as well. It's such a tremendously great feeling to make someone's day and make them happy even though with something as incredibly simple as a shirt. I'm living my life one day at a time as a person different than I used to be in the past and I couldn't be happier. Perhaps, those clothes are definitely things worth giving away and leaving behind after all ... 

The City of Broken Hearts

In the city of broken hearts
Where anything could break you apart
I stood there trying to be strong
As I had been waiting for you long

In the city of broken hearts
Where dreams die and tear apart
I tried my hardest to keep mine alive
‘Coz I could only dream of you in this life

But, nothing’s ever working from the start

Now I’ve found you, but you look me away
You’re standing like a statue; you got no words to say
Silence is the only answer you could ever give
I bet all that you want right now is to leave

In the city of hundred stories buildings
Shining like a spotlight under the sun
It’s blinding but I kept my eyes wide open
Just in case, you might ever come back running

In the city of flashing red lights
Lighting up the streets so bright at night
I could hardly see the moonlight shining in the sky
So, I prayed I would find you somewhere in the light

I realize I was procrastinating all this time

Now I’ve found you, but you look me away
You’re standing like a statue; you got no words to say
Silence is the only answer you could ever give
I wonder if you want me to turn around and leave

You’re here with me with a look that breaks my heart
You’ve always been so easy, now you’re making it hard
In this sad concrete town, we begin to feel so little
Guess losing is a sure thing when love is only a cold battle

Don’t you think so?

And now I’ve found you, you look me away
Am I the reason there’s no smile on your face?
Your silence seems to say I’m who you can’t forgive
Maybe I was wrong to think you’re who I could believe
Now, it’s time for me to leave ...

This is actually one of my favourite poetry that I've written and it was written based on a story that I had in mind. It tells a story of a person who has been waiting for the love of his/her life to return, only to end up noticing that the person has already had a change of heart when he comes back to him/her. At the time I was writing this one, I knew that I did not want to go straight into telling how the situation was like. So, I created a metaphorical storyline. I imagined this person was waiting for him/her in the city who was known for being a place where everybody would end up losing love and broken hearted. But, the person just stayed strong and tried to turn a blind eye. And when his/her love did come back, the person couldn't help but noticing something had changed, the other half had changed and the love was gone. The feeling of losing love is something that is very close to my heart. Because I know very well that I have actually gone through the experience and it was definitely an awful thing to soak in. Even though this writing is just an exaggeration of outpouring creativity and words play, but the feeling that lingered around this one is just as real as anybody who has actually experience it. 

The First 6 Months

6 months have passed, just like wind. So fast you haven't finished figuring out and digesting most of the things that have happened within that period. And suddenly, you open your eyes and the second 6 months of the year have already commenced. And I find it very interesting to actually start this entry with the first note of the year, as I started previously with a poetry post. I should have done the note first, then moving on with the poetry. But, it happens that the need to start a note comes at this very moment and not previously. So here it goes. Let's start this one off by saying that this has been the most challenging year I've ever had yet. The new year started with a bang too. And now I'm spilling some of the things out.

My new year kicked off by studying and completing my lessons and assignments for the last 2 subjects that I would take up before going for my 15-week teaching practicum around 2 weeks from that moment. It was really difficult for everybody, and especially me, when I hadn't finished accepting the fact that my teaching practicum was brought forward from March initially to January. All I could say at that time was, I wasn't even ready to face what was in front of me and I was forced to accept the fact that I would be going for it in less than 2 weeks time. And I would be having the last final exam for the 2 subjects taken a week before going for practicum. With so many things to be taken care of and so little time to spare for all the preparation, I wasn't sure whether to go for it or skip it. And I have a short thesis to prepare and complete too. I started to realize that I had so many things on my plate at that particular moment. Miraculously, I managed to complete every single thing, and score very well. And I actually found time to write some poetry in between. The last day of the exam was very hard. It's even harder the night before. We knew we had to say goodbye and we never knew when we would ever meet again. I walked home with all the memories of 3-4 years we had together flashing through my mind. It was a very tough time, till the very last minutes of packing stuff and checking out the day after. I realized at that time as well, I was actually pretty good in not showing my reluctance to be apart from my college friends. I promised myself not to because I didn't really think that we're going to be a world apart just yet. I believed at that time that we could still be able to meet one another and we did. I stumbled into some of them when I was at my college dealing with my supervising lecturers as they happened to be there for the same reason as well. Back to what I was talking about just then, that concluded my life as a college students. Next; being a teacher. Trainee teacher, to be exact.

God knows how nervous I was on my first day at training school. There were so many things to know and so much to remember; the teachers, the staff, the students, the classes, the buildings and most importantly, how to do well during that period. I never knew being teacher is a demanding job. From a former student's point of view of mine, I thought being a teacher was only about teaching students knowledge and marking papers. I had never thought about the "other" work. Especially in a vocational and skills oriented school, where knowledge and skills are taught, learned and practiced at the same time. It's a tough job and it changed the perception that I had about teachers in the past. I dare to say that the experience was actually mind-changing and eye-opening. I started getting along with the teachers and the staff. They were so nice and so helpful. They really showed us around and made us feel like home. There were, still, a few ones that were quite "stand-off"-ish and a bit unfriendly. I took that as a learning experience as you can't expect everybody to like you. But you don't ever be that way to others. Show as much respect as you can. 

During these 15 weeks as well, I had a chance to get to know my teammates. I never really knew much about them before this. So, I treated that as a bonding session. I tried to get to know them a little bit better and I got to know many interesting parts of who they are I had never seen and known before. For 15 weeks, we were trying to work as a team. We did our lesson plans and shared our thoughts and ideas, helped each other, helping teachers pulling off events, took care of students and watched over them. It was so hectic that we actually had to sit down one day in the staffroom and made a decision to extend our thesis completion from March's end to June's end. And yes, we were traveling back and forth from where we were staying to our college to deal with our supervisors and superiors. At the end of our practicum, we still could not believe that we managed to pull off all those things we did and survived. As soon as it ended, everybody started working on their thesis and so was I. By June, my friends and I successfully submitted them all. At this time, I haven't really found the job that I am looking for. Some of my friends are already working, some are still searching and having job interviews. I'm still here trying to figure out what I should do. I have decided to pursue a masters programme early next year. Just thinking about it makes me want to hunt for jobs as I need to save up for it. I can't live off my parents' money for the rest of my life. I must be optimistic.

I haven't really written much as well. Due to the lack of pastime and the workload since the very first month of the year, I couldn't spare some time to write about things. I didn't update this blog, I just didn't. So many great ideas came to mind during that hectic time. But, I just couldn't find time to sit down, clear my head and write them down. And, they ended up vanishing into thin air and nowhere to be found. Therefore, I have also decided that I want to return to my writing and brush it up. I want to revive that sense again and better it. Moreover, I am currently listening to a lot of different music lately. I discover new artist and bands, new tunes, their inspiration to write and their way of saying things. I'm reading a lot of literature, facts, stories and histories these days as well. I am truly inspired. They really broaden my horizon even more and make me want to open up to new things and discover new ways to say things. I really want to put what I have gained from discovering all these to a test and see how far I could push myself creatively. I never want to stop this new-found experience. I want to explore more and see things in many new perspectives from now on. 

And so, I hope that in the next 6 months, I would find most of the things that I've always been looking for in life. I really want to stay positive and embrace life from now on. As you get older, you may want to see things differently and be a better person that you were previously. I don't really want to let negativity get the best of me. I really need to learn to be ignorant and not let them go to my head. Those things and people that I love and care so much for are all I have. As long as I have them inside here, and a little bit of faith as well, I might be able to do it, and maybe, I'll find the happiness that I've lost once again eventually ...

This Time

Forgiveness is a simple thing
It’s a way of letting go of the past
But you know, something as simple as this
Will never come to last

To fall in love is just a sweet thing
In a moment, you’ve found your everything
But in the end, if all you ever feel is misery
Better leave and just walk away

This time, I pray
Hope He wills my pain away
It’s too much for me to take
And His my only saving grace

Bittersweet is what I feel inside
You can tell by looking into my eyes
It’s hard but the only thing left to do
Is moving on

Don’t lie to ourselves anymore, dear
The ending is coming near
Bury all these thoughts at the back of our minds
And move on

This time, we pray
Hope we finally find a way
To forget yesterday
And live for another day

Through the darkness, through whatever
Passing seasons and changing weather
As you start believing nothing is forever
I’ll dry my eyes and pull myself together

This time, I pray
Hope it’s not too late
This heart of mine is hurting
To You, I seek my healing
You’re my only saving grace

It wasn't supposed to be this long and reflective until one particular night of chanting prays and reflecting what was happening around me 2 years ago. It was originally a very simple poetry. But that one night changed everything. I had my first pray since forever and I looked back all the problems that my friends were facing at the time; broken hearts, losing things, one problem after another. It was really an eye opener for me. Suddenly something came to my mind, saying that I had been neglecting what should and doing what should not for as long as I could remember. Everything flashed through my face and I suddenly wanted to seek God's help for the first time in many years. As soon as I finished performing my pray, I took my poetry file from the bookshelf and I accidentally turned to this piece. And I thought, I really want to change this one a little bit because it deserved a little bit of creative justice and a much deeper reflection. It came naturally and I revised some of the words and added a few lines. This is one of my favourites.


Your eyes are your diamonds
Sparkling like the stars, shining like the sun
The one I’ve always been dreaming to find
Your lips are my saviour
Chanting my name like words of a prayer
Saving me every time I lose my mind

You light me up, you’re perfect for me
I can touch the Heaven whenever you’re near

My world was like a shattered wonderland
Before you came around and held it in your hands
Suddenly, everything started to change, I thank you
But now, something is holding you down
‘Coz every time we’re trying to get a little serious
You’ll leave the bed and walk out of the room

They say you don’t believe in love
Maybe I should say some pray to God above

Tell me that you love me so
Tell me that you’re mine
Or you’re in this just for a joyride?
Did you mean those words you said?
Were they nothing but sweet lies?
Tell me, do you honestly believe in love?
‘Coz right now, I don’t think you do

There were times this life had brought me to my knees
And you stood there trying to make me feel at ease
You’re my angel through those trying times
But now, I feel like something is holding you down
‘Coz every time the talks turn a little too serious
You’ll walk away and turn off the light

I refuse to believe you don’t believe in love
I pray to God above, hoping you would …

Tell me that you love me so
Tell me that you’re mine
Or you’re in this just for a joyride?
Did you mean those words you said?
Were they nothing but sweet lies?
Tell me, do you honestly believe in love?
‘Coz right now, I don’t think you do

Should I keep on gambling my hopes away on you,
Even if these thoughts of mine of you speak the truth?

Tell me that you love me so
Tell me that you’re mine
Or have you been lying all this time?
Hope you’d confess to me now
Before we fall off this ground
Darling, are you truly into this love?
‘Coz to me now, you just seem to be
So faithless, faithless in love
You’re faithless

I wrote this one after listening to a song and as a way to tell myself that I shouldn't have this kind of feeling when loving somebody, the same goes to the other half. Being faithless is one of those things that I'm most afraid of. Because, I keep telling myself to have faith in everything that I do and every situation. But sometimes, it's way too easy to lose it when you're halfway there. I guess, that's what makes me human. I keep telling my friends to have faith when I don't exactly have that all the time. It takes a world of courage to love somebody or something and make it come true. I'll take note of my own advice from now and start learning to have it one day at a time.

May You Be There

Don’t want to sit and stare
I know I can go anywhere
‘Coz love will take me there

No use crying in silence
Tired of shedding tears
I wan to go to the ocean

Where I can put my heart to rest
This memory is meant to last.

Darling, I’ll remember you
You’re a million miles away
But, I can still feel you near
The ground might have consumed you
But I know, your soul is right there
Hoping I would come for you soon
So, may you be there
When my time comes, may you be there

I look at the clear sky
And I can see that shining light
Bet it must be your smile

In every corner, every space
I can only see your face
And it lights up this empty place

Losing you is more than I can take
But, this love will get me through the day

Darling, I’ll remember you
You’re a million miles away
But, I can still feel you near
The ground might have consumed you
But I know, your soul is right there
Hoping I would come for you soon
So, may you be there
When my time comes, may you be there

This life means nothing
Without you here
Can’t wait to fall apart
And meet you there
May you be there, don’t go anywhere.

Darling, I’ll remember you
You’re a million miles away
But, I can still feel you near
The ground might have consumed you
But I know, your soul is right there
Hoping I would come for you soon
So, may you be there
When my time comes, may you be there

I conceived the idea of writing this one after watching a very sad movie a couple of years ago. I was really moved by the idea of loving somebody so much and having a very genuine love that it stays with you forever and it will live on even when one person has to live and another has to die. And that was the theme of the what I was watching and just like that, it got me enamoured. I was touched and I quickly grab a piece of paper and my favourite pencil and wrote about my own story and thoughts about it the next day. When I finished writing it, it became so straight-forward and raw. I decided to leave it that way. I wish I could have something as genuine and as true as this someday.

Remember Today

I’m walking with my head up
Looking at those white clouds above
As minutes pass me by like a running river
I start to miss your faces

I turn to these flawed hands of mine
And they take me to a memory gone by
Where I used to feel afraid to reach out
Then absentmindedly, you took me in
You found me out

I close my eyes and say
“You were too kind back then”

I’ll remember today
As I’m walking away
I’ll remember today
As I’m counting my footsteps
Keep me in your heart, day and night
Write my name on the skylines
And I’ll be always on your mind

I look around our vacant class
I recall the first time we began
I looked at you, but you looked away
Seems like now, we’re more than best of friends

We felt love, we felt pain
We had joy, blues and heartbreaks
Under the sun, in the rain
We’d find glories, we would fail
Our story was one bittersweet fairytale
We’ve made it through
We’re unbreakable, it’s true

I put my hands on my chest and say
“I can never find this anywhere”

I’ll remember today
As our ending begins
I’ll remember today
As I wish good times don’t end
Keep me in your heart, day and night
Write my name on the skylines
And I’ll be always on your mind

We hug each other tight
We shake hands and say goodbye
As best wishes fill the air
I burn all pains and hurts to ashes
And say a little pray
Hope we’ll meet again one day

We’ll remember today
As we turn away and leave
You and this place
‘Till the day I rest in peace
If you ever find yourself missing me
Think of me and these words day and night
Keep me in your heart
And you’ll see your name on the skylines
You’ll be always on my mind.

A very nostalgic piece indeed. I wrote this one a few nights before my big final exam of my final semester before going for my practicum earlier this year. As I was studying and reflecting the things we all have done together for the last 3-4 years, and as my classmates were posting their goodbyes on Facebook, Twitter and all, I was really driven to write this. It was quite an easy moment writing this one down as all the memories and ideas were flashing on my mind together and the words just came smoothly. I dare to say, this is one of the sincerest piece that I have written. This was never meant to be a farewell kind of message. It was more like keeping all the memories we had made together safe in our minds and ushering the reality that we were going to face as we got nearer to the end. It's touching and moving, but also inspiring at the same time. 

There You Go

Look for the answers
If you’re lost in your own confusion
Glory of the day comes with a thousand sacrifices
Then, the universe would listen to your atonement

Reach out for the light
If you’re close to losing your faith
Never turn your back even just for once
It might just be your only saving grace

There you go, all the doors have open up for you
A pray from the heart to God would pull you through
When insignificance comes around and holds you down
You know it’s time for you to let it go

Look for solutions
If you ever lose your sense of direction
A single path taken reveals another million
You’re bound to make your choice of decision

Come to me
If you ever feel like giving up
I’m your second chance, forever be by your side
To live a life worth the greatest of fights

There you go, the angels sing in the sky for you
So, bare your soul and change to someone new
When your naked eyes are fooling you around
Hold on tight those truths you’ve kept inside

Run for shelter
If the rain clouds come to bother you again
But, your heart seems to know so much better
That the downpour could wash away your hurting pain

There you go, all the doors have open up for you
A pray from the heart to God would pull you through
When insignificance comes around and holds you down
You know it’s time for you to let it go

Another new post (although not exactly new). There comes a time when you will just sit on a couch reflecting on things and trying to see those things in a whole new different dimension. And that's what happened when I wrote this one 2 years ago (when I was 20 years old). I sat alone at my college's cafe and somehow, the ideas to write this one came to mind. This was one of those writing which I had deep thoughts about and I really reflected all the things that I had done, was doing and would be doing in the future. It made me believe that I can get through whatever as long as I have strength and faith inside me. And that's what I hoped while I was writing this one.

Come What May

Summer heat
Comes around with the wind
And it whispers gently to my ears
As the days
Pass me by like a river
Flowing with memories of all these years

I realize good dreams have gone
It’s quite a lost, but I’m moving on

I’m walking away
There’s nothing more to say
Don’t want to shed anymore tears away
I’ll live for another day
This is my life
Never been perfect
I should have known better this love won’t go anywhere
Nevermore, I am waiting for your hands, so come what may

I don’t need your sorry
Won’t buy all your stories
You’re running out of chances now
Lose control
This anger has taken its toll
And soon, it burns everything to the ground

The blue sky turns grey for the two of us
It’s going to rain soon, so let’s just …

Let’s just walk away
There’s nothing left to say
Don’t want to shed anymore tears away
We’ll live for another day
Lead a new life
Though it won’t be perfect
We should have known better this love won’t go anywhere
Nevermore, I am waiting for your hands, so come what may

We’re never really meant to be
I’m losing all my hopes, and so are we
I’m not the one you needed
Leave and be happy

‘Cause this bliss is going to end
As I count 1 to 10
This love is truly ending
And these words don’t mean a thing
So, go on with your life
You’re gonna be perfect
Though these wounds heal, the scars stay in my heart anyway
Don’t ever wish we’ll be holding hands again
So, come what may

My first post in almost a year already. Although this one is not particularly new, I just want to share this one here, reflecting the sunny season of the year that is so well-known for its fiery love and endless separations. I wrote this one when I was 20 years old and it was about a friend of mine who had found love but it had to end a little bit too soon for him. I was inspired to write this one after listening to him and listening to one my favourite songs of Taylor Swift back then. Love is divine, but if both persons are just not meant to be, you've got to move on and reflect on what has happened. It only makes you stronger.